The fan fiction
by Dreamtalker1
Summary: Killian has an entire fan club of Storybrooke Ladies, but only has eyes for Emma. One day he annoys her greatly, so she gets the brilliant idea to look up some fan fiction written about him to tease him mercilessly with. Prompt by IrishSwan.


**_My submission for the 'Welcome To Storybrooke' competition on Tumblr. Reblog there to vote!_**

 _(You can find the link on my Tu_ _mblr page, same pen name: dreamtalker1)_

 _- Canon divergence: Robin Hood is still alive and Belle is not under a sleeping curse. Plus, Ruby's still in town. -_

 _I made up the fan fiction site, the title and username. If anyone shares the same name, or has named their story the same, I'm sorry and it's not you ;-) nor did I make fun of your work!_

 _Edited by the wonderful irishswanff and musicalfreak22_

* * *

 **The fan fiction**

"Bloody buggering hell," Emma Swan exclaimed, using her boyfriend's usual vocabulary, as she scanned the room. She was tired and exhausted from her night shift at the sheriff's station, hoping for a short snack, having a nice bath to relieve tension in her aching muscles, and then falling into bed to sleep for at least eight hours.

Sweet dreams.

Not a bit of it!

Her lovely boyfriend, Mr. Hook, had left behind more of a nightmare in the living room of their new house. He had hosted the monthly boys night out for the first time and obviously put his back into it. However, he hadn't bothered to clean up the aftermath before leaving for the harbor in the early morning.

The place was a mess. Beer bottles were scattered everywhere, empty pizza boxes were lying on the floor. The table was sticky because none of them had cared to wipe it clean. None of them had taken off their shoes as she could see dirty footprints on the floor, used dishes were piled up in the kitchen sink, and Chinese food remains clogged the drain. Apparently, the boys had ordered their way through all restaurants in town. She should definitely check her credit card, because they were still living off her money since Killian had just started his new job at the docks. Best to not check it right now though, otherwise she would lose it.

"Just calm down, Emma Swan. You can handle this," she told herself and searched for a big trash bag. She collected all the pizza boxes and then cleaned the table. Then she headed towards the kitchen corner and put the plates in the dish washer. Why was it so hard for the men to just put their plates in the machine and press a button? She put on gloves and reached into the sink that was half filled with water.

"I'm gonna kill him," she cursed as she pulled out what was left of their food so that the water could drain properly. She wouldn't be cleaning up after the men if it was not for Mary-Margaret and Ruby, who were coming over this afternoon.

Emma needed an hour to get the living room and kitchen back into respectable shape, her nerves frazzled when she fell into bed with her day clothes on, boiling with indignation, but too tired to text Killian an angry message.

Waking up at ten o'clock, after five hours of sleep, she got up, took a short shower and started her day. Mary-Margaret and Ruby came at half past twelve and they decided to have lunch in town before starting a tedious shopping spree.

Emma actually used to shop like a man **;** go into the store, look around for thirty seconds and then leave with the item of desire. It's how she'd found her red leather jacket, too. Usually, she finished after two hours at most, having bought clothes, plus supplies for the entire week.

That was not the case with the girls. They could spend hours in front of one single dress, debating if it fit or if it was too expensive.

After a six extremely tiring hours, Mary-Margaret and Ruby decided that they had bought enough, leaving Storybrooke Main Street with five bags each.

"Let's try this new Italian restaurant," Mary-Margaret suggested. "We can meet Belle there."

Killian took Emma there for their first date, and she usually had to smile at the thought, but not today. So she remained silent and let her friends drag her to dinner.

Belle was in a very good mood today. She was joking around and made her laugh, and after a while, Emma pushed away the hassle she had with Killian.

Sometime later, a group of five Ladies were seated at the empty table next to them. All of them pretty and in their late twenties. Emma didn't know them and didn't pay too much attention, until she heard Killian's name.

"He's so handsome," one of the women said, infatuated. "My brother is working with him at the docks and said he's a great fellow. I wish he didn't have a girlfriend."

"Does he have one?" one of her friends asked.

"Yes, he does. A blond one. The one who came into town two years ago and stepped up as the savior of the town," a brunette woman said.

Emma sank deeper into her chair, trying not to draw attention. It was the last thing she needed today. Getting recognized by a bunch of groupies who fancied her boyfriend.

"Do you know how she looks like?" the third asked.

"Met her once at the sheriff's station. She's a stand-offish lass who never laughs. No idea why she's so popular in town."

Ruby raised her eyebrow at Emma and grinned. Mary-Margaret and Belle had stopped eating and were suppressing their giggles.

"But Killian Jones is completely different. He's charming and joking around all the time. And just imagine what he could do with that hook."

Ruby's eyebrow traveled even higher and she gave Emma a questioning look.

Emma moved her lips, silently telling her to shut up.

At the other end of the table, Belle had to press her hand on her mouth with tears in her eyes from suppressed laughing.

Emma risked a glare at the speaking woman, but she didn't even take notice of her.

"A true man of dreams," the love-struck Lady said.

Emma contemplated killing her fantasy and telling her what a dirtbird her 'man of dreams' could be. One who managed to keep his ship neat and clean, but had no problems destroying their house with his friends.

"It seems he's not breaking up with his girl anytime soon. Last week I read in the Daily Mirror that they moved in together in her new house," one of the Ladies said. "But I can highly recommend this fanfiction site. If you search for stories about his hook." She giggled.

"Oh, I've read them all," the first one said, madly in love.

The brunette, who apparently met her once -which Emma didn't recall- rolled her eyes. She obviously was the tough one of the group.

"Which site?" the forth woman demanded to know.

"Just search for 'Killian Jones fanfiction' and it will be the first result," the first one answered with expertise.

Ruby immediately reached for her phone.

"Stop it," Emma pressed out between her teeth, but Ruby was out of reach.

It didn't take long until a sparkle appeared in Ruby's eyes and a wide grin spread on her face. She turned around to the next table.

"Thanks Ladies, this fanfiction site was what I was looking for. You've made my day."

Belle was laughing uncontrollably, pressing her hands to her stomach and even Mary-Margaret smiled, giving Emma an apologetic look.

The group of women looked irritated by the interruption, and then the brunette's gaze lingered on Emma, her face turning red instantly.

Emma put her cutlery down and reached for her purse.

"Well, I've had enough for today," she informed her friends, not able to smile.

"Come on, Emma," Ruby begged. "It was just a joke!"

"No, really, I'm functioning on four or five hours of sleep."

She stood up and thumped the money down on the table. "Enjoy your fanfiction, Ladies."

The women avoided Emma's gaze as she stood up. Belle and Mary-Margaret tried to convince her to stay, but Emma declined. She knew she should just let it go, and usually she would have laughed at the situation, but today she just couldn't. She was tired and still mad at Killian, and she needed to get home.

So she fled out of the restaurant without looking back at the girls. Outside, she jumped into her yellow bug, drove around the corner and stopped, resting her head on the wheel. She exhaled deeply. The bug was her shelter, had been her hiding place since she had found it at the age of eighteen. Since then, it had always been at her side, the only constant in her life, her only home. She had a real home now, and a family, but sometimes it was still too much for her. After two years, she still wasn't used to having them around. She wasn't used to being loved and cared for and thus, she also wasn't used to the troubles that came with sharing a home. She shouldn't make a big deal out of it, she supposed. It was probably the lack of sleep speaking.

She turned on the radio and drove home. It was around ten o'clock when she turned the key in the lock. The house was empty. Regina had taken Henry on a trip to Disneyland for a few days and Killian wasn't home yet, which was unusual. Maybe he was avoiding her. Moron.

Not putting too much thought into it -she had done that enough- she took a shower and went straight to bed.

Emma was woken up by the dipping of the mattress and a moment later she felt Killian nestle up to her, burying his nose in her hair.

"You smell like sunshine, love," he said with a drunk voice, his arms reaching around her, pulling her close.

Emma closed her eyes, the anger back at full force. The guy had ravaged their living room, escaped for the day, got drunk at the Rabbit Hole with his friends just one day after their boys night and then had the balls to act as if nothing had happened.

"And you smell like shit," she responded angrily, and disentangled herself from his hold. "Take a shower."

"I would have cleaned up tonight," he said sheepishly.

"Oh really?" she said pertly. "It's easy to say it now. I cleaned up for an entire hour at five a clock in the morning after coming from work."

"Sorry Swan," he said making another attempt to get closer. "I'll make it up to you."

He pulled her close, capturing her lips in an unexpected kiss. Her pirate always got passionate when he was drunk and normally Emma didn't mind, but after all the trouble, she couldn't let him get away with it too easily.

"Shower, Killian," she managed to say between his kisses.

He had trouble letting go of her, but in the end he complied.

"As you wish, Milady. Don't you dare fall asleep; I have plans for you tonight," he said cockily.

Emma sighed. The guy was impossible. She definitely had to work on a revenge plan.

As soon as he was out of the door, she drifted off into well-deserved slumber.

Killian did go through with his promise and surprised her with breakfast and coffee the next morning. Emma was pleased, and she considered forgiving him for a moment, but seeing the smug grin on his face changed her mind immediately. It wasn't hard to make coffee and reach into the fridge for some eggs she'd bought the day before. She made scrambled eggs every day. Nothing to be too proud of.

She sat down and checked her phone for messages from the sheriff's station. She had a free weekend, but this was Storybrooke and the next villain was never too far. There were no messages from work, but Ruby had sent her a message, asking if she'd come home safely.

Emma responded with an apology of her behavior the last night.

 **E: Sorry, Ruby. I feel horrible for leaving like that. I was tired from my night shift the day before and had some trouble with Killian.**

 **R: No problem, hon. I sensed something was off. And I know you hate long shopping trips.**

 **E: Yeah…**

 **R: Sorry to hear there's trouble in paradise. If I had known, I wouldn't have made that joke.**

 **E: I just wasn't in the mood. I guess** **it's alright again. Killian made breakfast.**

 **R: Oh, how does the guy know how to turn on the stove?**

 **E: Haha, exactly. He's super proud of himself.**

 **R: Haha, I guess the Captain never needed to cook on his ship.**

 **E: Or clean the dishes …**

 **R: I'm not sure pirates know what that is.**

Emma smiled. Ruby always managed to make her laugh with her dry sense of humor.

"What's so funny?" Killian asked from the other side of the table.

"Just texting with Ruby," Emma said innocently.

"Bloody hell, Swan! Can you put that talking phone away for a minute," Killian complained. "Sometimes I get the feeling you guys are glued to that thing."

Emma looked up, always amused by him and technology.

"It's called a smartphone Killian."

"I know," he growled.

Emma fixed him with a glare. Was he mad now?

 **E: You know what? Can you send me the link of the fanfiction site?**

 **R: What do you have in mind?**

 **E: Just a little revenge plan!**

 **R:** **storybrooke-fanfiction/killianjones ****and if you want the one with hook, just search for the title: My night with the hook by piratequeen90. Have fun! And tell me everything about it.**

Emma grinned and put the phone away.

-/-

Emma was prepared when Killian hosted the next boys night three months later. Henry was at Regina's, so she was entirely free. Killian had promised to tidy up their mess afterward, but Emma was not impressed that easily. She had hidden a bug and a mini camera in the living room and connected it to her phone. That was not exactly legal, but who could blame her after what Killian had done?

Then she had kissed Killian goodbye and left for her 'girl's night' out **.**

She had agreed to meet Ruby at Granny's.

Mary-Margaret and Belle were already there. They all knew about her plan and were as excited as little schoolgirls when they sat down in the booth.

Granny was bringing them coffee and grilled cheese sandwiches. They had puzzled out a plan that would work. Killian would remember this night forever!

Emma pulled out her phone and they watched the guys coming in. Like always, they began with beer and then argued about what to order. Emma watched Killian retrieve her credit card from the kitchen counter. In three months, he hadn't managed to open his own bank account. He could have asked her to help him with it, but apparently he thought that money grew on trees. Additionally, she was sure he still hid some doubloons on his ship or somewhere in Storybrooke. He was a pirate after all.

Sweet revenge!

"Your turn, mom," Emma said and her mother reached for her phone. She dialed David's number and waited. Her hands were trembling from excitement. Mary-Margaret was their weak spot; she was such a bad liar. But they had trained her for this prank. It would be a little embarrassing to pull this practical joke in front of her mother, but wasn't their entire relationship weird, anyway? They had met as friends and they still were.

"You can do this," Ruby whispered and gave her thumbs up.

"Hey, honey," Mary-Margaret purred into the phone. "I just went to the Italian restaurant with Emma and the girls and they have a water damage. So no pizza today. I thought I should tell you."

Emma grinned when she heard David grown. He loved pizza. Of course the Italian restaurant was completely fine.

"I guess we will order some Chinese food then", David answered.

"Darling, it's closed today. Don't you know that?"

"Of course," David replied.

In fact, the Chinese restaurant was open as always on Saturdays. But nobody would expect a lie from Mary-Margaret. It turned out she was their perfect accomplice.

"Indian food, guys?" David called into the room.

"I've read an article in the Daily Mirror about food poisoning there. And Ruby told me that she saw a rat the last time she was there."

"We'll find something," David said, slightly tensed. "Bye, darling."

"Bye, honey."

Emma nodded enthusiastically. "Well done, mom!"

Mary-Margaret looked proudly at her daughter. "We have to go to that Indian restaurant to make up for that lie. The food is great there!"

"Will do," Belle agreed. "Why can't Rumple be with them? After all, he is the one who would deserve a prank most."

They watched as the men got in range of the camera.

"Does anyone have the number of that Arabian restaurant?" David asked. "They have great falafel."

"They closed when Sidney Glass disappeared," Whale answered. "The owner was a close friend of his back in the Enchanted Forest."

"Really? I completely forgot."

"No surprise after all these curses and villains," Robin added.

"Yeah," David said, shaking his head. "I guess, Granny's then?"

"It will have to do," Killian agreed.

Granny, who was standing with the coffee pot at their table, snorted at the phone.

"It will have to do?" she snorted. "The pirate boy puts his head quite above the parapet."

"Calm down Granny," Ruby appeased her. "Hook spends almost every day here."

"He loves your grilled cheese, and so do I," Emma added.

Granny smiled at her softly. "Do you want some more coffee, darling?"

Emma nodded and Granny poured her another cup.

That was when the diner's phone rang. Granny owned one of those old corded telephones that seemed to be from the sixties. She took her time walking back behind the counter and waited a few extra seconds before answering the phone.

"David, my dear. What a surprise," she spoke. "Of course I'm open. Yeah, lasagna, all right. And some grilled cheese with onion rings for Mr. Jones. No, I haven't seen the girls. I guess they are at the Rabbit Hole. No, no, it's not very busy today. I'm closing after your order. My chef's wife is pregnant, so he will be pleased to go home earlier today. Well, actually I have an appointment with a friend later. You're at Emma's, right? You guys are on my way, so I can drop the order off at your place. Of course I'm doing it...see you later."

She hung up and gave the order to her cook. Then she returned to the table.

"And now we got the ball rolling!"

They laughed. Now, they just had to wait. When the food was ready and packed, Emma gave Granny the DVD.

Granny inspected the cover.

"A Fistful of Dollars," Granny said approvingly. "Brilliant western. See you later."

With that she left the diner, heading to her van to deliver the food.

Fifteen minutes later Granny arrived at the house. They heard the doorbell through the phone. Granny stepped into her living room, handed over the food and collected the money. After that, she left.

The men opened the package and distributed the food. It took them a while to find the DVD at the bottom.

"Look what we have here," Robin said as he discovered the movie. "Clint Eastwood western. A classic one."

"Let me see," David said with excitement. He was a sucker for westerns.

"What is Clint Eastwood?" Killian asked curiously.

Emma rolled her eyes.

"Don't tell me you never saw a Clint Eastwood western since you came here!" David exclaimed, shocked.

"Between snow monsters and rotting in hell, there was not much time left," Killian defended himself.

"Point taken," David answered. "So we have to change that immediately." He walked to the DVD player and started the movie.

Emma rubbed her hands, her eyes glowing. "This is gonna be so good!"

She had worked an entire day at the sheriff's station on this DVD. They would see a very special movie today.

After some time, Granny returned to the diner, a little breathless. "Did I miss anything?"

"Nope," Emma answered. "They are twenty minutes into the movie."

Another ten minutes passed before the screen of the TV turned gray. After a few seconds the image became clear again.

"Impressive," Ruby said.

"Got a little help from Henry's friends. Hansel and Gretel are in the digital media course. They want to be film makers."

"Emma! They are thirteen!" Mary Margaret exclaimed.

"Easy mom, I didn't show them the content. Only asked them about some technical stuff in the editing program."

The image morphed into gray a few more times until the screen went black.

"Damn it," David complained, standing up. The boys were a little tensed now.

"I guess the movie was lying around a little too long in Granny's basement," Whale chuckled. As a doctor he had to be indulgent. But David was tensed and Killian clearly disappointed. Emma had known he would like the movie. She couldn't see his facial features in the camera but could imagine how he looked like when he was annoyed, eyes narrowed to slits and clenching his jaw.

Suddenly, the picture reappeared. But it wasn't the beautiful scenery of the prairie but a clear picture of Emma and Killian's living room.

"What the hell?" Killian uttered. He understood that much of movies; you weren't supposed to be able to see your own living room in an old western movie.

They all stared at the screen in confusion as Emma moved into the picture and sat down on the couch.

Emma leaned back into the booth of Granny's diner, already giggling in excitement. Maybe this would be embarrassing, but it would be even more embarrassing for her pirate.

The Emma onscreen put her feet on the couch, pulled out her phone and read something as if she was unaware of the camera in front of her. After a moment she looked up.

"Oh, did I interrupt something?" TV Emma asked innocently into the camera. She cleared her throat.

"Or did you actually enjoy this movie Killian?" She paused. "Sorry boys for invading your 'guys' night'. Well, maybe I'm not sorry at all." TV Emma grinned wolfishly.

"When I came home after your last night here in this house, the place looked like it had been hit by a bomb. Yeah, not your fault, I know. I'm over dramatic. But before you continue with this movie, please enjoy this interesting text."

TV Emma pulled up her phone. "This is by Piratequeen90. My night with the hook. Sounds impressive, right?"

"He's already turning red," Ruby giggles, bending over the phone.

TV Emma continued deliciously. "The recommendation is from a cute redhead I met recently. She's the sister of a colleague of yours, Killian. Maybe you know her. Send her best wishes from me. Now enough talking, let's get to the story:

 **My night with the Captain by Piratequeen90,**

 **You are an ordinary Storybrooke girl. Pretty, without knowing it, and completely in love with Killian Jones, also known as Captain Hook. Of course this man doesn't know anything about your feelings for him.**

 **After three months of silent suffering, you learn that he has broken up with his girlfriend. Of course you would never confront the man of your dreams with your feelings because you're quite shy.**

 **One night, in a remote alley where no street lights illuminate your way, you suddenly bump into a dark figure. The man puts his arms around you to steady you and keep you from falling.**

 **You scream, intimidated by the strong man who is holding you.**

" **I'm sorry, love. Didn't mean to frighten you," a deep voice speaks.**

 **Now you're glad that it's dark in the alley because you turn red as you recognize it's the voice of Mr. Killian Jones, the guy you've been in love with since you first laid eyes on him.**

" **Mr. Hook," you mumble, "I...I mean Mr. Jones. I'm so sorry."**

 **He laughs, amused. "No need to be sorry Miss (your name)."**

" **You know me?" you ask, completely surprised.**

" **Of course Miss (name). I remember the moment I first laid eyes on you. How could I not notice a beautiful Lady such as yourself?"**

" **You think I'm beautiful?" you whisper, slightly trembling.**

" **Yes I do," he says. "I wanted to tell you all the time, but something always got in the way."**

 **You are weak in the knees. Then, Killian is pulling you into his arms, kissing you, invading your mouth with his tongue, pillaging and plundering you.**

" **If you want, we can move this meeting to a more private place," he suggests, his lips against your mouth.**

 **You can only exhale a yes, then he's picking you up and carrying you to his car at the end of the street.**

I guess we move forward to the main part," TV Emma suggested and scrolled down.

"I'm going to turn it off," Killian said embarrassed and stood up. Ruby and Belle couldn't breathe because of laughing too hard and Granny was grinning like a Cheshire cat. Mary-Margaret was leaning back, also slightly embarrassed, because her daughter was involved, but she couldn't hide the hint of a smile, either.

"Stay where you are, mate," Robin said to Killian and pushed him back into the couch. They were enjoying this, too.

"So, after skipping 3000 words of irrelevant foreplay and ridiculous dialogue, let's get to the interesting part," TV Emma said and continued with reading.

" **The water is dripping over your wet shape and you're still breathing heavily from the orgasm Mr. Hook has given you. Apparently, he has lots of strength left, because he's lifting you up in his muscular arms and carrying you to his bedroom. He drops you on the white sheets, stepping between your legs.**

" **What do you want me to do?"**

 **You shake your head, not sure if you should tell him your fantasy. "Your hook," you almost whisper. "Can you use your hook on me?"**

 **You can see the desire in his eyes as he crawls on the bed, towering above you. You're at his mercy, not able to deny him anything.**

" **Will you be a good girl, (name)?" he says as he touches your cheek with his hook.**

" **Yes, just please..."**

" **Please what," he chuckles.**

" **Your hook, please give me your hook. I wanna feel your hook!"**

" **You're already feeling my hook."**

" **No," you scream. "Down there."**

" **Where?"**

 **Your clit is aching terribly, eager for the pirate to ravish..."**

"Enough," Hook growled and stood up forcefully, stormed to the TV and turned it off.

"That was quite a show," Robin said impressed. He and Whale grinned at him mercilessly and even David patted his shoulder in amusement.

Emma turned off her phone. "Mission accomplished."

"I'm not sure if this was a punishment for the boys," Granny said grinning.

"Yeah, you wouldn't imagine that Killian is shy about these things. But he is. He'll never forget that one," Emma responded.

After her friends recovered from laughing, they finished their meal.

"I think I should check up on Killian," Emma said after a while.

When she drove home, she found the house dark. The men were gone, the room tidy and cleaned up, as if they had never been there. Seemed like Killian had learned his lesson. She removed the bug and camera and switched the corridor light on, as she walked up the stairs.

"Killian, you there?" she called.

No answer.

Had she taken it too far? She sighed and headed to the bathroom as the light turned out.

She spun around instinctively as she saw the dark shape in front of her. She couldn't react when she was lifted up by -indeed- strong arms and carried to the bedroom. Emma was dropped unceremoniously onto the bed, her pirate above her in an instant, pressing her into the sheets.

"Is that what you call revenge, love?" he asked dangerously. "I can also play rough, if that is what you want."

"Oh no, Mr. Hook," Emma teased. "I hid a camera in the living room and recorded the entire event. Imagine what I can do with it if you threaten me."

"Bloody minx. But maybe I don't care about it anymore."

Emma chuckled as she felt him pull her lobe between his teeth.

"Maybe I'm more interested in exploring more of your fantasies."

He kissed her neck.

"What did you want me to do with the hook again?"

"The shy but pretty girl from the fic wanted the hook," she giggled.

"You women are all the same, love. Aren't you? You want the hook, don't you?"

Emma pulled his head up and looked in his eyes.

"Just stop talking and maybe you'll find out!"


End file.
